THIS CUISINART BLENDER TRIED TO MURDER ME

I killed it in self defense

I must start by saying that I’ve prided myself on providing unbiased, objective coverage of all sorts of appliances.  I certainly don’t want to be the one to start slinging mud.  But this has to be said:  Cuisinart’s food processor/blender combo with 7-speed, touch pad controls just tried to murder me.  I was forced to end its life whilst defending myself.  Better send in a body bag.  And make it an extra small.

It all happened so fast that it’s nearly impossible for anybody to ever know what really took place.  Although it was clearly the fault of the food processor, I wish its family no ill will.  I hope they all go on to lead long lives of processing assorted foods in the future. 

I’d usually list product features at this point, but the only feature of this product is malicious enthusiasm for pure, icy murder.

THE GOOD:  7-speed blending, dishwasher safe, sleek chrome design.

THE BAD:  Not cunning enough to kill me.  Try harder next time, Cuisinart.

OVERALL RATING:  Dead (for now).

RUBBERMAID STORAGE CONTAINERS

Managing data on your computer can be difficult and confusing.  But you know what shouldn’t be confusing?  Managing your cables, cords and computer accessories.  And you know what else shouldn’t be confusing?  Faucets.  But they are.  And by God does it piss us off… 

Anyway, when it comes to managing computer accessories, Rubbermaid offers a variety of bins in assorted shapes and sizes.  They’re available in blexigon, flectangle, grapazoid, or many other shapes that we made up.

Truth be told, keeping your possessions in a Rubbbermaid container is way better than keeping them in a dirty litter box.  Actually, it isn’t at all.  Actually, we totally take that back.  And we’d erase that, but we can’t find the delete key.

THE GOOD:  Variety of sizes, lockable lids. 

THE BAD:  It's no litter box.

OVERALL RATING:  = or > a squirrel we once saw.

KITCHENAID ELECTRIC STAND MIXERS

Moments before all hell broke loose...

Initially, I was a little reluctant to try out any mixer, let alone KitchenAid’s classic staple.  But as soon as it turned on and the metal parts started spinning around, I felt only one thing:  Pure panic.

I don’t know what KitchenAid uses to power their products, but evidently it’s terror.  These mixers come with ten separate adjustable stirring speeds, including “Horrifying,” “Traumatic,” and “I’ll Be Under the Couch.” 

I suppose this machine is only rivaled by the vacuum cleaner, which is still a great source of stress for the whole staff here.  Basically, if you don’t mind the sound of a thousand banshees screaming into your soul at once, totally buy a KitchenAid mixer.  If you fear and respect deafening evil robots, then we suggest you do your mixing manually.
   
THE GOOD:  10-speed mixing, variety of colors, numerous attachments.

THE BAD:  We’re pretty sure this thing is out to kill us.  Everybody stay sharp.

BUYING GUIDE: DESK CHAIRS

Uncomfortable Chair = Low Productivity

By Jackson (Cat Reports staff member and resident buying guide correspondent)

Let’s face it: We all spend a lot of time at the computer.  Whether I’m shopping online, browsing the news, or knocking a pencil off the desk because I’m pretty sure it might’ve moved, I realize the importance of proper seating choice.

Here are some tips for selecting the proper desk chair:

WHAT MATERIAL?  Do you want leather, fabric, hard plastic, vinyl…etc?  It's probably worth buying something a little more expensive like leather or microfiber.  Expensive materials are way more rewarding once you've destroyed them. 

HOW ADJUSTABLE?  Does it swivel?  Are there casters for rolling?  Does it make that terrifying noise of air being released when it lowers down?  I’m not going to lie to you: that noise scares the hell out of me.

WHAT'S A PRICE?  I cannot stress this point enough:  I don't really know what "price" means.   Since I have no use for it, the concept of money literally means nothing to me.   So I’m just guessing that price is important.


**Jackson Russell is the Cat Reports Buying Guide correspondent.  His hobbies are standing in front of the bathroom door and sitting in front of the bathroom door.  Also, he once saw a centipede.