TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS "RUNNING WATER"

Hang on... My mind is currently being blown.

Despite the recent advances in technology (i.e. the internet, cell phones, Bluetooth, Saran Wrap… etc.), there are still things that boggle our minds. The most confusing of these things (with the exception of that floating red dot we sometimes see on the wall) is the metal spout with a seemingly endless supply of water.

To determine how much water it could possibly hold, we broke it down into a few simple facts.

Fact: 70% of the earth is covered in water.
Fact: Over 90% of the earth’s water is in the oceans.
Fact: About 1.7% of it is in the ice caps.
Fact: Wheel of Fortune has been on the air since 1975.
Therefore: The earth has hundreds of gallons of water.

Literally hundreds.

CHOOSING AN LED, CFL OR INCANDESCENT PILLOW

Many consumers get easily confused about the differences between various light bulb types. We’re no strangers to confusion. In fact, we’ve been lost in a paper bag for the last four hours.

When it comes to light bulbs, some people will tell you that “LED bulbs use less electricity” or “CFL bulbs cost the same” or “light bulbs aren’t supposed to be eaten.” Regardless, when you’re deciding to sleep on a light bulb, here are some very helpful tips for determining the type of bulb to use.  

Incandescent: Uses more electricity. Becoming obsolete. Gets warm. Will inevitably make you dream about Cap’n Crunch.

LED: Uses less electricity. Becoming more popular. Will most likely make you dream about Pat Sajak. 

CFL: Comes from the Latin phrase, Carpe Flatulencia Lighticus. It will undoubtedly cause night farting.

Special thanks to guest contributor, Oryx.

WHATEVER IT LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING, I'M DEFINITELY NOT

I'm doing things, but those things are unrelated to the things it looks like I'm doing.

So, I don’t know what you think you saw me doing with this laptop, but it wasn’t that. It might’ve looked like I was doing something, but the thing I was doing wasn’t anything at all like the thing you thought I was doing. There were things I was doing, but they’re definitely not the things that you thought you saw me doing. Those things and my things are totally different.

Look, so there’s no more confusion going forward from here on out, this list should help clarify specific things that I definitely wasn’t doing…

List of things I definitely wasn’t doing:

• Whatever it looked like.
• Something else it might’ve looked like.
• Anything you might’ve seen.
• Whatever you think you saw.
• Porning out.

The bottom line here: Things were done. They just weren’t/aren’t the things you think you might’ve seen me doing, nor are they anything similar to those things that you think you saw.

Special thanks to guest contributor Simon.

THIS QWERTY KEYBOARD SHOULD BE 20-30% QWERTIER

Eh, I've seen qwertier...

Before we get into this review, it’s worth taking a moment to explore the history of the QWERTY style keyboard.  A brief timeline should help put this groundbreaking invention into the proper context.

History of the QWERTY Keyboard:
1962 – Archibauld Qwerty is born.
1974 – Typing becomes the USA’s #1 pastime.
1986 – ABC airs “America’s Qwertiest Home Videos.”
1992 – WWII ends.
2001 – Pat Sajak qwerts himself on live television.
2009 – WWII begins again.
2011 – Rinse and repeat.

Many consumers make claims like, “Archibauld Qwerty is a hero,” or “He should be honored,” or “You don’t understand U.S. history,” or "Stop peeing on that couch," or "Don't eat those staples,"  or "Are these your dingleberries?" or "Don't click here."

Nevertheless, Archie Qwerty certainly knew the importance of marketing yourself.  If you don't think it's important, we suggest you go talk to Arnold Asdf.

iPEE ON iPADS BECAUSE iHATE THEM

How in the hell do you flush this thing?...

From Archer, special guest contributor.

First of all, if you own an iPad, iSuggest you put on some iSotoner gloves, grab an iCicle, and iMpale your genitals iMmediately. Secondly, you may think twice about purchasing one after reading this staggering statistic.

FACT: 89% of iPads are 55% more likely to cause a 35% increase in up to 24% of all percentages.

Now, we don’t know about you, but that statistic scares the pee out of us. Come to think of it, all statistics scare the pee out of us. Actually, just saying the word “statistics” makes us pee a little.

In conclusion, if you didn’t find this review helpful, you’re obviously an iDiot (or an iAsshole).

USING A DVR TO SAVE YOUR FAVORITE HAIRBALLS

I'm sorry, you wanted to watch Dexter? Go lick yourself...

From guest reviewer, Frankie the Cat.

Sure, it can be nice to throw up hairballs on expensive things like the couch, stereo, Bow-flex machine, hemorrhoid doughnut, argyle socks or autographed 8x10 Hall and Oates photo.  Unfortunately, they’re always gone the next day. Instead, try using a DVR to save and organize all of your favorite hairballs. 

Follow these simple steps:

Step #1 – Lick yourself for 2-3 business days.

Step #2 – Vomit hairball onto the DVR.

Step #3 – Blame the TV.

Step #4 – Run up and down the stairs at 4 am.

 It’s a pretty simple solution. And as Daryl Hall once sang, “Private eyes are watching you spew hairballs onto expensive furniture” (or something like that). Now you’ll have more time for all of those important things in life, like staring at the closet door all day or eating an entire roll of dental floss.

PROPER USE OF A LAPTOP CASE

Don't make me pee in this thing.

Plenty of douchebags wearing sport coats or mock turtlenecks have explained the importance of laptops. Unfortunately, it’s up to us at Cat Reports to make sure your laptop case is being used properly. Misconceptions lead to misuse, which leads to mistakes and misfortune, which is very mispleasant (It’s a word. Look it up here).

If you’re the type of person who thinks your laptop case should only hold your laptop, here’s our advice to you: First, open your laptop. Second, slam your genitals in the laptop over and over until you pass out. Third, never talk to us again.

Here are some other good uses for a laptop case (besides storing your laptop):
1.) Emergency litter box

2.) Nonemergency litter box

3.) Mild emergency litter box
4.) Get-away car