HAPPY CAT BOXING DAY FROM CAT REPORTS

This is the worst Cat Boxing Day ever.

Judging by the amount of National Cat Day celebrations we saw yesterday, we mistakenly thought it was National Dickhead Day. We'll leave you all to your arbitrary, meaningless holiday, while the rest of us continue to celebrate the day after. 

So, Happy Cat Boxing Day.

FAQ's: WALK-IN REFRIGERATORS

It's called a "walk-in," not a "walk-out."

By special guest contributor Sam.
People tend to have lots of questions regarding walk-in refrigerators. The main question always seems to be, “Why are you in my refrigerator?” While we may not have an answer to that, we do have answers to these other frequently posed queries.

Q.) What size refrigerator should I get?
A.) Get one that’s big enough so your butt isn’t resting on a meatloaf, but small enough so that your butt is resting on a glazed ham.

Q.) What is the recommended temperature for my walk-in fridge?
A.) Shit, we don’t really care. It’s your stupid fridge.

Q.) How much do they typically cost?
A.) Jesus, how many questions do we have to answer?

Q.) Should I buy an extended warranty?
A.) You should try killing yourself.

Q.) What type of insulation should I use?
A.) That’s it. This Q & A session is over.

CONNECT YOUR LAPTOPS TO CREATE AN EMERGENCY SHELTER

I'll make for base camp in the morning...

By special guest contributor, Dr. Waffles.
If the weather in the living room takes a turn for the worse, try linking up multiple laptop computers to create a short term shelter. Not only will it protect you from the indoor elements, it’s also a great way to make sure nobody else can get any work done at all.

Build an electronic shelter in three easy steps:
1.) Find a safe location: Choose a spot covered in important documents like credit card statements or health insurance forms.
2.) Build your shelter: Use anything from iPads to iPhones to iWoodchips.
3.) Rest and regain your strength: You’ll need it if you’re planning on running up and down the stairs all night.

TOP 3 METHODS FOR CLOGGING A DRAIN

Your move, drain...

We know how it is… You’re in the tub, the faucet is on, and then you suddenly notice that the water actually going down the drain. This can be a horrifying realization, and it requires immediate action. But don’t panic. Here are step-by-step instructions for clogging that drain and getting water stopped immediately:

STEP 1: Shed as much fur as you can (and as quickly as you can).
STEP 2: Put about three dollars worth of loose change down the drain (this keeps the demons away).
STEP 3: Stare at the drain to show it who’s boss.
STEP 4: Watch an episode of Who’s the Boss (this also keeps the demons away).
STEP 5: Repeat Step 3.
STEP 6: Repeat Steps 2 and 4.
STEP 7: Repeat the first half of Step 6.
STEP 8: Skip directly to Step 10.
STEP 9: Repeat Steps 2, 4 and 5.
STEP 10: Don’t do Step 8 again.
STEP 11: Repeat Steps 3 through 7 (but not 4 and 6).
STEP 12: Repeat Step 2, but use Romanian currency.
STEP 13: Enjoy a freshly clogged drain.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM CAT REPORTS

The staff at Cat Reports would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas. During these hectic times, it's important to stop and reflect on the important things the holidays have to offer.

Ingredients for a perfect holiday:

Eat plenty of wrapping paper this Christmas. 

- Sleep
- Throw up
- Eat
- Family
- Eat your family
- Pee on the furniture
- Eat some more
- Sleep a bit more
- Poop on a couch
- Eat other things
- Pee on something else
- Watch Richard Dreyfuss films

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS "RUNNING WATER"

Hang on... My mind is currently being blown.

Despite the recent advances in technology (i.e. the internet, cell phones, Bluetooth, Saran Wrap… etc.), there are still things that boggle our minds. The most confusing of these things (with the exception of that floating red dot we sometimes see on the wall) is the metal spout with a seemingly endless supply of water.

To determine how much water it could possibly hold, we broke it down into a few simple facts.

Fact: 70% of the earth is covered in water.
Fact: Over 90% of the earth’s water is in the oceans.
Fact: About 1.7% of it is in the ice caps.
Fact: Wheel of Fortune has been on the air since 1975.
Therefore: The earth has hundreds of gallons of water.

Literally hundreds.

CHOOSING AN LED, CFL OR INCANDESCENT PILLOW

Many consumers get easily confused about the differences between various light bulb types. We’re no strangers to confusion. In fact, we’ve been lost in a paper bag for the last four hours.

When it comes to light bulbs, some people will tell you that “LED bulbs use less electricity” or “CFL bulbs cost the same” or “light bulbs aren’t supposed to be eaten.” Regardless, when you’re deciding to sleep on a light bulb, here are some very helpful tips for determining the type of bulb to use.  

Incandescent: Uses more electricity. Becoming obsolete. Gets warm. Will inevitably make you dream about Cap’n Crunch.

LED: Uses less electricity. Becoming more popular. Will most likely make you dream about Pat Sajak. 

CFL: Comes from the Latin phrase, Carpe Flatulencia Lighticus. It will undoubtedly cause night farting.

Special thanks to guest contributor, Oryx.

WHATEVER IT LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING, I'M DEFINITELY NOT

I'm doing things, but those things are unrelated to the things it looks like I'm doing.

So, I don’t know what you think you saw me doing with this laptop, but it wasn’t that. It might’ve looked like I was doing something, but the thing I was doing wasn’t anything at all like the thing you thought I was doing. There were things I was doing, but they’re definitely not the things that you thought you saw me doing. Those things and my things are totally different.

Look, so there’s no more confusion going forward from here on out, this list should help clarify specific things that I definitely wasn’t doing…

List of things I definitely wasn’t doing:

• Whatever it looked like.
• Something else it might’ve looked like.
• Anything you might’ve seen.
• Whatever you think you saw.
• Porning out.

The bottom line here: Things were done. They just weren’t/aren’t the things you think you might’ve seen me doing, nor are they anything similar to those things that you think you saw.

Special thanks to guest contributor Simon.

THIS QWERTY KEYBOARD SHOULD BE 20-30% QWERTIER

Eh, I've seen qwertier...

Before we get into this review, it’s worth taking a moment to explore the history of the QWERTY style keyboard.  A brief timeline should help put this groundbreaking invention into the proper context.

History of the QWERTY Keyboard:
1962 – Archibauld Qwerty is born.
1974 – Typing becomes the USA’s #1 pastime.
1986 – ABC airs “America’s Qwertiest Home Videos.”
1992 – WWII ends.
2001 – Pat Sajak qwerts himself on live television.
2009 – WWII begins again.
2011 – Rinse and repeat.

Many consumers make claims like, “Archibauld Qwerty is a hero,” or “He should be honored,” or “You don’t understand U.S. history,” or "Stop peeing on that couch," or "Don't eat those staples,"  or "Are these your dingleberries?" or "Don't click here."

Nevertheless, Archie Qwerty certainly knew the importance of marketing yourself.  If you don't think it's important, we suggest you go talk to Arnold Asdf.

iPEE ON iPADS BECAUSE iHATE THEM

How in the hell do you flush this thing?...

From Archer, special guest contributor.

First of all, if you own an iPad, iSuggest you put on some iSotoner gloves, grab an iCicle, and iMpale your genitals iMmediately. Secondly, you may think twice about purchasing one after reading this staggering statistic.

FACT: 89% of iPads are 55% more likely to cause a 35% increase in up to 24% of all percentages.

Now, we don’t know about you, but that statistic scares the pee out of us. Come to think of it, all statistics scare the pee out of us. Actually, just saying the word “statistics” makes us pee a little.

In conclusion, if you didn’t find this review helpful, you’re obviously an iDiot (or an iAsshole).

USING A DVR TO SAVE YOUR FAVORITE HAIRBALLS

I'm sorry, you wanted to watch Dexter? Go lick yourself...

From guest reviewer, Frankie the Cat.

Sure, it can be nice to throw up hairballs on expensive things like the couch, stereo, Bow-flex machine, hemorrhoid doughnut, argyle socks or autographed 8x10 Hall and Oates photo.  Unfortunately, they’re always gone the next day. Instead, try using a DVR to save and organize all of your favorite hairballs. 

Follow these simple steps:

Step #1 – Lick yourself for 2-3 business days.

Step #2 – Vomit hairball onto the DVR.

Step #3 – Blame the TV.

Step #4 – Run up and down the stairs at 4 am.

 It’s a pretty simple solution. And as Daryl Hall once sang, “Private eyes are watching you spew hairballs onto expensive furniture” (or something like that). Now you’ll have more time for all of those important things in life, like staring at the closet door all day or eating an entire roll of dental floss.

PROPER USE OF A LAPTOP CASE

Don't make me pee in this thing.

Plenty of douchebags wearing sport coats or mock turtlenecks have explained the importance of laptops. Unfortunately, it’s up to us at Cat Reports to make sure your laptop case is being used properly. Misconceptions lead to misuse, which leads to mistakes and misfortune, which is very mispleasant (It’s a word. Look it up here).

If you’re the type of person who thinks your laptop case should only hold your laptop, here’s our advice to you: First, open your laptop. Second, slam your genitals in the laptop over and over until you pass out. Third, never talk to us again.

Here are some other good uses for a laptop case (besides storing your laptop):
1.) Emergency litter box

2.) Nonemergency litter box

3.) Mild emergency litter box
4.) Get-away car

IF IT'S CALLED A REMOTE CONTROL, WHY CAN'T IT CONTROL MY VOMITING?

Sorry remote... You were asking for it.

One thing I hate most about electronics is their lack of ability to control my vomiting.  This stupid remote is no exception.

First of all, I definitely hit pause while vomiting, yet I continued to throw up half-digested Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive.  Secondly, we could debate all day whether or not eating Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive made me throw up in the first place.  Fortunately, that’s not up for debate right now.

Here are some other great electronics to throw up on:
#1.) Any.
#2.) See #1.

If you want to go above and beyond, try eating a product and throwing it up on to another.  Like yesterday, when I swallowed a flash drive and then threw it up onto a laptop.  I refer to it as a “file transfer.” 

If the rewind button on this stupid remote worked, I’d relive that moment every day.

SETTING UP A PRINTER AND A CARDBOARD SPACESHIP

Boarding the space craft.

After buying a printer, most people usually have one question: How soon until I can fly the spaceship it came in? The good news for you is immediately.  The bad news for you is that we hate you.


HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR SETTING UP A PRINTER:
Step #1 – Plug in the printer.
Step #2 – Put paper in tray.
Step #3 – Slam face into printer repeatedly.
Step #4 – Repeat Step #3.
Step #5 – Throw away printer and climb aboard the cardboard spaceship.

Congratulations! You’ve set up your printer, and you’re a complete asshole!  Enjoy “printing” your stupid “documents.”  If you need us, we’ll be in our spaceship getting ready to make the jump to light speed.  And in order to navigate our way back, we sprinkled a path of dingleberries across the couch to leave a trail.  It’s literally science. 

REFRIGERATOR FACTS AND UNFACTS

So you're looking to pick out a refrigerator...?  A lot of these refrigerator companies will try to confuse you with hip refrigerator lingo like "energy efficient" or "adjustable temperature" or "doors."  Don't let the confusion overwhelm you.  Here are some facts and unfacts to help clarify the mysteries of the fridge.

FACT - If left unchecked, a refrigerator will eat its own weight in groceries every day.  

Do not let this happen.  If necessary, throw whatever refrigerator contents you can onto the floor at any instant.  It's the only to way to keep it at bay.

UNFACT - Scaling a refrigerator is a simple task.
Ever since misconceptions were invented in 1982, this has definitely been the biggest of them.  Any expedition to the top of a refrigerator takes planning, navigating, and research.  If you're planning to purchase a taller refrigerator model, we recommend also buying a compass, rope, extra air tanks, and a Nepalese Sherpa.

FACT - The name "refrigerator" comes from the Latin word "refrigeratto."
As we all know, "refrigeratto" is the Latin word which means "evil bastard full of food."  There's really no explanation needed for this fact.  If you don't believe us, we hope you get eaten by a refrigeratto. 

THIS DRYER IS JUST LIKE A WASHER, ONLY DRIER

How much drier can you get?  None dryer.

Now, it’s basic common knowledge that any appliance becomes 45% to 55% more likely to murder you when you add water to it.  Such examples include small spray bottles, kitchen sinks, large spray bottles, knives that are made out of water, and medium-sized spray bottles. 

However, when you remove the water from a water-filled appliance, it actually becomes 80% less likely to murder you.  I don’t know about you, but those numbers are pretty overwhelming to me. Actually, every number is overwhelming to me.  In fact, even the idea of numbers is overwhelming to me (except 7 for some reason).

So one basic truth exists:  If an appliance is drier, it’s better.  Now ask yourself this: What’s the driest appliance around? Answer: A dryer.  You literally can’t get drier than a dryer.  Unless you have 2 dryers.   OK, now I’m freaked out. 

OVERALL RATING: 7.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY ARCH-ENEMY... 2-DIMENSIONAL BIRD



 Special thanks to Joseph the Cat. (See more at OrangeCats)

It seems like every time I'm ready to provide an insightful overview of different televisions, I'm confronted once again by my most ruthless and cunning arch-nemesis: Stupid 2-dimensional birds.

Slightly flatter than other birds I see outside the window, these 2-D birds seem to shine brighter, feel smoother, and piss me off even more.  I've never actually caught one, since they seem to be harder to catch than their analog counterparts.  In fact, I took a swipe at one a few weeks ago, and not only was it unfazed, it immediately turned into the giant face of Pat Sajak asking me if I wanted to "buy a vowel."  Now that's a hell of a defense mechanism.

The bottom line here: If you're looking to buy a TV, do your research.  And if you see one those 2-dimensional bastards anywhere, shout the secret code.  The code will be, "Murder those birds."


PLASMA - Slightly more expensive, better picture.

LCD - More affordable, picture quality varies by brand.

2-DIMENSIONAL BIRDS - Total assholes.

I DON'T KNOW... THIS ELECTRIC PIANO DOESN'T QUITE ROCK MY BALLS OFF



I'm like Billy Joel (minus the DUI).



Before I get into this review, I think it's worth mentioning that no electric piano exists that could truly rock my balls off.  The only thing to ever rock my balls off was a veterinarian named Dr. Jablonski about six years ago.  Also, it wasn't so much "rock off" as it was "surgically remove."  Either way, I've had a hell of a time trying to spray the furniture since then.

 

The weighted and touch-sensitive keys on this particular model made for a nice playing experience.  After warming up with "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates, I began by composing my first hit song, "I'll Lick Myself Wherever I Damn Well Please."  I followed it up with my touching love ballad, "Ode to the Crinkly Thing I Ate Off the Windowsill."  Stay tuned for my upcoming single, "The Dog Next Door Looks Remarkably Like Abe Vigoda."



OVERALL:  I would definitely recommend this electric piano to anybody who is not too concerned about the condition of their balls in regard to them being rocked off.  Also, Dr. Jablonski can burn in Hell for all I care.



BUYING GUIDE: CLOCK BLOCKING

You can have some basil when I'm done in here.

Hey folks, it's your old pal Jackson here with another helpful buying guide.  We all have trouble waking up in the morning, especially when we've spent the entire night running back and forth through the house for no apparent reason.  Finding the right alarm clock can take the stress out of having to wake up before 5pm.
First and foremost, I would recommend keeping the alarm clock next to your bed.  Also, I would recommend sleeping in a flower pot, since it gives you serious street-cred among the dead bugs on the windowsill.


Here are some things to consider when purchasing an alarm clock:

SNOOZE TIMER?  Since we're inevitably going to be hitting the snooze button a few times, it's important to determine the amount of time that will elapse in between the alarms.  I recommend anywhere between 7 to 10 business days.


SOUND MODES?  Rather than using the traditional buzzing sound, many alarm clock offer the option of playing music instead.  Waking up to Hall and Oates always invigorates me for another day of secretly throwing up behind furniture.


MAYBE DON'T PLUG IT IN?  Leaving your alarm clock unplugged allows for a fuller and deeper 22-hour sleep.

WEBER, YOU OL’ BASTARD, YOU MAKE ONE HELL OF A BED

Getting ready to fire up the bed...

It’s few and far between that we really get a chance to praise something, but (once again) Weber has broken new ground in the field of outdoor heated beds.   The best part about this thing: it smells just like food (or something food-flavored).

Now the first question that probably springs to consumers’ minds is this:  “Who got skid marks all over the couch?”  That was me.  I’ll take the heat for that one. 

The second question that comes to consumers’ minds is this:  “Do I use charcoal or gas?”  We posed that query to our staff here at Cat Reports, and we came to a stunning conclusion regarding gas or charcoal.  We found out that eating charcoal gives us gas, so who really knows what the hell is going on?

THE GOOD:  Smells like hot food.

THE BAD:  Tastes like a murdering robot.