THIS DRYER IS JUST LIKE A WASHER, ONLY DRIER

How much drier can you get?  None dryer.

Now, it’s basic common knowledge that any appliance becomes 45% to 55% more likely to murder you when you add water to it.  Such examples include small spray bottles, kitchen sinks, large spray bottles, knives that are made out of water, and medium-sized spray bottles. 

However, when you remove the water from a water-filled appliance, it actually becomes 80% less likely to murder you.  I don’t know about you, but those numbers are pretty overwhelming to me. Actually, every number is overwhelming to me.  In fact, even the idea of numbers is overwhelming to me (except 7 for some reason).

So one basic truth exists:  If an appliance is drier, it’s better.  Now ask yourself this: What’s the driest appliance around? Answer: A dryer.  You literally can’t get drier than a dryer.  Unless you have 2 dryers.   OK, now I’m freaked out. 

OVERALL RATING: 7.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY ARCH-ENEMY... 2-DIMENSIONAL BIRD



 Special thanks to Joseph the Cat. (See more at OrangeCats)

It seems like every time I'm ready to provide an insightful overview of different televisions, I'm confronted once again by my most ruthless and cunning arch-nemesis: Stupid 2-dimensional birds.

Slightly flatter than other birds I see outside the window, these 2-D birds seem to shine brighter, feel smoother, and piss me off even more.  I've never actually caught one, since they seem to be harder to catch than their analog counterparts.  In fact, I took a swipe at one a few weeks ago, and not only was it unfazed, it immediately turned into the giant face of Pat Sajak asking me if I wanted to "buy a vowel."  Now that's a hell of a defense mechanism.

The bottom line here: If you're looking to buy a TV, do your research.  And if you see one those 2-dimensional bastards anywhere, shout the secret code.  The code will be, "Murder those birds."


PLASMA - Slightly more expensive, better picture.

LCD - More affordable, picture quality varies by brand.

2-DIMENSIONAL BIRDS - Total assholes.

I DON'T KNOW... THIS ELECTRIC PIANO DOESN'T QUITE ROCK MY BALLS OFF



I'm like Billy Joel (minus the DUI).



Before I get into this review, I think it's worth mentioning that no electric piano exists that could truly rock my balls off.  The only thing to ever rock my balls off was a veterinarian named Dr. Jablonski about six years ago.  Also, it wasn't so much "rock off" as it was "surgically remove."  Either way, I've had a hell of a time trying to spray the furniture since then.

 

The weighted and touch-sensitive keys on this particular model made for a nice playing experience.  After warming up with "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates, I began by composing my first hit song, "I'll Lick Myself Wherever I Damn Well Please."  I followed it up with my touching love ballad, "Ode to the Crinkly Thing I Ate Off the Windowsill."  Stay tuned for my upcoming single, "The Dog Next Door Looks Remarkably Like Abe Vigoda."



OVERALL:  I would definitely recommend this electric piano to anybody who is not too concerned about the condition of their balls in regard to them being rocked off.  Also, Dr. Jablonski can burn in Hell for all I care.



BUYING GUIDE: CLOCK BLOCKING

You can have some basil when I'm done in here.

Hey folks, it's your old pal Jackson here with another helpful buying guide.  We all have trouble waking up in the morning, especially when we've spent the entire night running back and forth through the house for no apparent reason.  Finding the right alarm clock can take the stress out of having to wake up before 5pm.
First and foremost, I would recommend keeping the alarm clock next to your bed.  Also, I would recommend sleeping in a flower pot, since it gives you serious street-cred among the dead bugs on the windowsill.


Here are some things to consider when purchasing an alarm clock:

SNOOZE TIMER?  Since we're inevitably going to be hitting the snooze button a few times, it's important to determine the amount of time that will elapse in between the alarms.  I recommend anywhere between 7 to 10 business days.


SOUND MODES?  Rather than using the traditional buzzing sound, many alarm clock offer the option of playing music instead.  Waking up to Hall and Oates always invigorates me for another day of secretly throwing up behind furniture.


MAYBE DON'T PLUG IT IN?  Leaving your alarm clock unplugged allows for a fuller and deeper 22-hour sleep.

WEBER, YOU OL’ BASTARD, YOU MAKE ONE HELL OF A BED

Getting ready to fire up the bed...

It’s few and far between that we really get a chance to praise something, but (once again) Weber has broken new ground in the field of outdoor heated beds.   The best part about this thing: it smells just like food (or something food-flavored).

Now the first question that probably springs to consumers’ minds is this:  “Who got skid marks all over the couch?”  That was me.  I’ll take the heat for that one. 

The second question that comes to consumers’ minds is this:  “Do I use charcoal or gas?”  We posed that query to our staff here at Cat Reports, and we came to a stunning conclusion regarding gas or charcoal.  We found out that eating charcoal gives us gas, so who really knows what the hell is going on?

THE GOOD:  Smells like hot food.

THE BAD:  Tastes like a murdering robot.

A 3-HOLE PUNCH? DO I LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE?

Get this thing out of my sight...

I have very little use for certain things in this world, like scratching posts, Quicken software, a melon baller, and dew claws.  I suppose we can now add 3-hole punches to that list.

The Cat Reports staff attempted to come up with some practical uses for this stupid thing, and after an hour of brainstorming we were able to come up with two.  Unfortunately, we forgot what they both were.

Afterward, we tried to get rid of this evil 3-hole punch by storing it away in a dark closet.  Unfortunately, our night vision is so good that we kept seeing it every time we went in there.


THE GOOD: None that we can remember.

THE BAD: It exists.

OVERALL RATING: If you own a 3-hole punch, please use it to 3-hole punch yourself in the genitals.

THIS REMOTE CONTROL MAKES A TERRIBLE CHAIR

I’ve been sitting on this stupid remote control for over two hours, and it hasn’t reclined or hatched.  Some other staff members here have argued that I “don’t understand the use of a remote control,” whatever that means.

I hate to leave overly negative reviews, but on top of being a crappy chair, this remote also tastes nothing like ham.  Those are two of my least favorite things, as the following list illustrates:

THINGS I HATE:
A.) – Things that are crappy chairs.
B.) – Things that don’t taste like ham.
3.) – Improperly numbered lists.


OVERALL ADVICE:  Save your money and sit on a ham instead.