IF IT'S CALLED A REMOTE CONTROL, WHY CAN'T IT CONTROL MY VOMITING?

Sorry remote... You were asking for it.

One thing I hate most about electronics is their lack of ability to control my vomiting.  This stupid remote is no exception.

First of all, I definitely hit pause while vomiting, yet I continued to throw up half-digested Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive.  Secondly, we could debate all day whether or not eating Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive made me throw up in the first place.  Fortunately, that’s not up for debate right now.

Here are some other great electronics to throw up on:
#1.) Any.
#2.) See #1.

If you want to go above and beyond, try eating a product and throwing it up on to another.  Like yesterday, when I swallowed a flash drive and then threw it up onto a laptop.  I refer to it as a “file transfer.” 

If the rewind button on this stupid remote worked, I’d relive that moment every day.

SETTING UP A PRINTER AND A CARDBOARD SPACESHIP

Boarding the space craft.

After buying a printer, most people usually have one question: How soon until I can fly the spaceship it came in? The good news for you is immediately.  The bad news for you is that we hate you.


HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR SETTING UP A PRINTER:
Step #1 – Plug in the printer.
Step #2 – Put paper in tray.
Step #3 – Slam face into printer repeatedly.
Step #4 – Repeat Step #3.
Step #5 – Throw away printer and climb aboard the cardboard spaceship.

Congratulations! You’ve set up your printer, and you’re a complete asshole!  Enjoy “printing” your stupid “documents.”  If you need us, we’ll be in our spaceship getting ready to make the jump to light speed.  And in order to navigate our way back, we sprinkled a path of dingleberries across the couch to leave a trail.  It’s literally science. 

REFRIGERATOR FACTS AND UNFACTS

So you're looking to pick out a refrigerator...?  A lot of these refrigerator companies will try to confuse you with hip refrigerator lingo like "energy efficient" or "adjustable temperature" or "doors."  Don't let the confusion overwhelm you.  Here are some facts and unfacts to help clarify the mysteries of the fridge.

FACT - If left unchecked, a refrigerator will eat its own weight in groceries every day.  

Do not let this happen.  If necessary, throw whatever refrigerator contents you can onto the floor at any instant.  It's the only to way to keep it at bay.

UNFACT - Scaling a refrigerator is a simple task.
Ever since misconceptions were invented in 1982, this has definitely been the biggest of them.  Any expedition to the top of a refrigerator takes planning, navigating, and research.  If you're planning to purchase a taller refrigerator model, we recommend also buying a compass, rope, extra air tanks, and a Nepalese Sherpa.

FACT - The name "refrigerator" comes from the Latin word "refrigeratto."
As we all know, "refrigeratto" is the Latin word which means "evil bastard full of food."  There's really no explanation needed for this fact.  If you don't believe us, we hope you get eaten by a refrigeratto. 

THIS DRYER IS JUST LIKE A WASHER, ONLY DRIER

How much drier can you get?  None dryer.

Now, it’s basic common knowledge that any appliance becomes 45% to 55% more likely to murder you when you add water to it.  Such examples include small spray bottles, kitchen sinks, large spray bottles, knives that are made out of water, and medium-sized spray bottles. 

However, when you remove the water from a water-filled appliance, it actually becomes 80% less likely to murder you.  I don’t know about you, but those numbers are pretty overwhelming to me. Actually, every number is overwhelming to me.  In fact, even the idea of numbers is overwhelming to me (except 7 for some reason).

So one basic truth exists:  If an appliance is drier, it’s better.  Now ask yourself this: What’s the driest appliance around? Answer: A dryer.  You literally can’t get drier than a dryer.  Unless you have 2 dryers.   OK, now I’m freaked out. 

OVERALL RATING: 7.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY ARCH-ENEMY... 2-DIMENSIONAL BIRD



 Special thanks to Joseph the Cat. (See more at OrangeCats)

It seems like every time I'm ready to provide an insightful overview of different televisions, I'm confronted once again by my most ruthless and cunning arch-nemesis: Stupid 2-dimensional birds.

Slightly flatter than other birds I see outside the window, these 2-D birds seem to shine brighter, feel smoother, and piss me off even more.  I've never actually caught one, since they seem to be harder to catch than their analog counterparts.  In fact, I took a swipe at one a few weeks ago, and not only was it unfazed, it immediately turned into the giant face of Pat Sajak asking me if I wanted to "buy a vowel."  Now that's a hell of a defense mechanism.

The bottom line here: If you're looking to buy a TV, do your research.  And if you see one those 2-dimensional bastards anywhere, shout the secret code.  The code will be, "Murder those birds."


PLASMA - Slightly more expensive, better picture.

LCD - More affordable, picture quality varies by brand.

2-DIMENSIONAL BIRDS - Total assholes.

I DON'T KNOW... THIS ELECTRIC PIANO DOESN'T QUITE ROCK MY BALLS OFF



I'm like Billy Joel (minus the DUI).



Before I get into this review, I think it's worth mentioning that no electric piano exists that could truly rock my balls off.  The only thing to ever rock my balls off was a veterinarian named Dr. Jablonski about six years ago.  Also, it wasn't so much "rock off" as it was "surgically remove."  Either way, I've had a hell of a time trying to spray the furniture since then.

 

The weighted and touch-sensitive keys on this particular model made for a nice playing experience.  After warming up with "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates, I began by composing my first hit song, "I'll Lick Myself Wherever I Damn Well Please."  I followed it up with my touching love ballad, "Ode to the Crinkly Thing I Ate Off the Windowsill."  Stay tuned for my upcoming single, "The Dog Next Door Looks Remarkably Like Abe Vigoda."



OVERALL:  I would definitely recommend this electric piano to anybody who is not too concerned about the condition of their balls in regard to them being rocked off.  Also, Dr. Jablonski can burn in Hell for all I care.



BUYING GUIDE: CLOCK BLOCKING

You can have some basil when I'm done in here.

Hey folks, it's your old pal Jackson here with another helpful buying guide.  We all have trouble waking up in the morning, especially when we've spent the entire night running back and forth through the house for no apparent reason.  Finding the right alarm clock can take the stress out of having to wake up before 5pm.
First and foremost, I would recommend keeping the alarm clock next to your bed.  Also, I would recommend sleeping in a flower pot, since it gives you serious street-cred among the dead bugs on the windowsill.


Here are some things to consider when purchasing an alarm clock:

SNOOZE TIMER?  Since we're inevitably going to be hitting the snooze button a few times, it's important to determine the amount of time that will elapse in between the alarms.  I recommend anywhere between 7 to 10 business days.


SOUND MODES?  Rather than using the traditional buzzing sound, many alarm clock offer the option of playing music instead.  Waking up to Hall and Oates always invigorates me for another day of secretly throwing up behind furniture.


MAYBE DON'T PLUG IT IN?  Leaving your alarm clock unplugged allows for a fuller and deeper 22-hour sleep.