THIS QWERTY KEYBOARD SHOULD BE 20-30% QWERTIER

Eh, I've seen qwertier...

Before we get into this review, it’s worth taking a moment to explore the history of the QWERTY style keyboard.  A brief timeline should help put this groundbreaking invention into the proper context.

History of the QWERTY Keyboard:
1962 – Archibauld Qwerty is born.
1974 – Typing becomes the USA’s #1 pastime.
1986 – ABC airs “America’s Qwertiest Home Videos.”
1992 – WWII ends.
2001 – Pat Sajak qwerts himself on live television.
2009 – WWII begins again.
2011 – Rinse and repeat.

Many consumers make claims like, “Archibauld Qwerty is a hero,” or “He should be honored,” or “You don’t understand U.S. history,” or "Stop peeing on that couch," or "Don't eat those staples,"  or "Are these your dingleberries?" or "Don't click here."

Nevertheless, Archie Qwerty certainly knew the importance of marketing yourself.  If you don't think it's important, we suggest you go talk to Arnold Asdf.

iPEE ON iPADS BECAUSE iHATE THEM

How in the hell do you flush this thing?...

From Archer, special guest contributor.

First of all, if you own an iPad, iSuggest you put on some iSotoner gloves, grab an iCicle, and iMpale your genitals iMmediately. Secondly, you may think twice about purchasing one after reading this staggering statistic.

FACT: 89% of iPads are 55% more likely to cause a 35% increase in up to 24% of all percentages.

Now, we don’t know about you, but that statistic scares the pee out of us. Come to think of it, all statistics scare the pee out of us. Actually, just saying the word “statistics” makes us pee a little.

In conclusion, if you didn’t find this review helpful, you’re obviously an iDiot (or an iAsshole).

USING A DVR TO SAVE YOUR FAVORITE HAIRBALLS

I'm sorry, you wanted to watch Dexter? Go lick yourself...

From guest reviewer, Frankie the Cat.

Sure, it can be nice to throw up hairballs on expensive things like the couch, stereo, Bow-flex machine, hemorrhoid doughnut, argyle socks or autographed 8x10 Hall and Oates photo.  Unfortunately, they’re always gone the next day. Instead, try using a DVR to save and organize all of your favorite hairballs. 

Follow these simple steps:

Step #1 – Lick yourself for 2-3 business days.

Step #2 – Vomit hairball onto the DVR.

Step #3 – Blame the TV.

Step #4 – Run up and down the stairs at 4 am.

 It’s a pretty simple solution. And as Daryl Hall once sang, “Private eyes are watching you spew hairballs onto expensive furniture” (or something like that). Now you’ll have more time for all of those important things in life, like staring at the closet door all day or eating an entire roll of dental floss.

PROPER USE OF A LAPTOP CASE

Don't make me pee in this thing.

Plenty of douchebags wearing sport coats or mock turtlenecks have explained the importance of laptops. Unfortunately, it’s up to us at Cat Reports to make sure your laptop case is being used properly. Misconceptions lead to misuse, which leads to mistakes and misfortune, which is very mispleasant (It’s a word. Look it up here).

If you’re the type of person who thinks your laptop case should only hold your laptop, here’s our advice to you: First, open your laptop. Second, slam your genitals in the laptop over and over until you pass out. Third, never talk to us again.

Here are some other good uses for a laptop case (besides storing your laptop):
1.) Emergency litter box

2.) Nonemergency litter box

3.) Mild emergency litter box
4.) Get-away car