I have to go kill myself now.
2010 witnessed the official launch of the Cat Reports website.  And hopefully we'll see the one-year-anniversary in 2011.  However, due to all of the complicated conversion formulae involved with calculating that into cat years, it's better we just celebrate today.  We'd try to explain them to you, but your primitive mind probably wouldn't understand.  It's pretty intense.

If you need any of us, we'll be eating a Fancy Feast while hiding upstairs inside the box spring.  And since you're probably wondering, it's Classic Ocean Whitefish flavor.  And yes, it's also pretty intense.


HP’s smallest netbook yet, the Mini 210 weighs less than I do, and gets a considerable less amount of skid-marks on the furniture.  It uses so little energy that it has earned itself an ENERGY STAR qualification.  And I use so little energy that I should have earned a “Disgusting Beast that Wallows in My Own Dander” qualification. 

I spent a good couple of hours playing with it, but most of my time was spent eating the Styrofoam packaging.  I’m literally throwing it up while typing this.  And it literally smells like a tuna fish that gargled with diarrhea. 

THE GOOD:  Lightweight, 10” widescreen display, built in camera, warm.

Small design makes it more vulnerable to vomit damage.


On Dec. 16th, Apple announced the January launch date of their new online app store.  Our resident Mac expert, Frankie, could hardly contain his excitement over the news.  See Frankie's reaction video here.


Making sure it's dead...
First of all, my experience with an optical mouse of any brand is pretty limited.  The closest I’ve come to actually using a mouse was back in February when I ate a gerbil.  That being said, using GE’s dual scroll optical mouse is probably very similar to eating a live gerbil. 

Vertical and horizontal scrolling, along with programmable forward and backward browser commands make this mouse perfect for anybody who has to point and click with a dewclaw.  I can’t imagine how much easier it is to have opposable thumbs.  And I’m not just saying that.  I literally lack the mental capacity to imagine things. 

  Ergonomic design prevents wrist strain, and the low price prevents wallet strain.

Evidently, the manufacturer’s warranty is void if the mouse “comes into contact with dead vermin.”  Typical bureaucrats…


Smaller doesn’t mean better, as is the case with both Apple’s new iPod Nano and my cat carrier.

I had a chance to play around with the new Nano while coincidentally sitting in my cat carrier at the vet’s office.  I was immediately so impressed that I even stopped moaning and dry heaving for a moment.  But after further examination, I felt exactly like I did after getting neutered:  Like certain essential parts were suddenly missing.

First off, Apple removed the video camera that made the 5th generation Nano such a hit.  I personally used the camera to film the blank wall, so I could watch it later at the vet.  They also left off any video playback capabilities.  So now, I don’t even have the option of renting Blank Wall: The Movie from iTunes. 

THE GOOD:  Compact size, 24-hour battery life, up to 16 GB memory.

  With no video playback, I have to listen the soundtrack from Blank Wall: The Movie instead of actually watching it.  

*Photo by Pete Prodoehl


And... You're welcome.
Offering vivid colors and 3D capabilities, LG’s Infinia series pushes the technological envelope in terms of picture quality.  Though slightly more expensive, the 55 inch models are my favorite, since they’re easiest to tip over.  Nothing completes an afternoon like wrecking a $2,500 piece of entertainment equipment in five seconds.

The Infinia series offers a variety of streaming options, which are pretty useless given the fact that I can’t stay awake for more than 20 minutes at a time.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what “minutes” are.  But it seems to take about 9 or 10 of these “minutes” for me to throw up after lapping up shampoo in the shower. 

  Extremely accurate colors, 3D capabilities, available streaming.

THE BAD:  I just drank a bottle of Pert Plus.  Feeling pukey...


The Kindle is probably the user-friendliest of all e-books on the market today.  Its amazingly efficient battery life lasted from the beginning of Sunday’s mid-late-morning-nap all the way until Monday’s early-mid-afternoon-nap.  And it was fully recharged and ready to go in time for my mid-late-evening-predinner-nap. 

The Kindle comes with an impressive selection of book titles, and I was immediately drawn into Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle.  However, lacking the ability to process allegory, I was unable to clearly appreciate his parallel to America’s struggle during the arms race.  But the fancy buttons on the Kindle made it more exciting than that earwig I found on the sun porch yesterday.

  Lots of titles, great battery life, very intuitive design.

THE BAD:  I can’t read, so this was a waste of money.


The newest of Nintendo’s game consoles, the Wii has revolutionized gaming with a motion responsive controller, whatever that means.  Given my undeveloped brain and lack of opposable thumbs, this makes very little difference to me.  It’s currently retailing for about $199.99, which is a lot of money for something I’m probably just going to urinate on anyways.  I’m not really sure how the games look.  Once it got plugged in, I was basically staring at the electrical outlet the whole time.  And let me tell you:  That was pretty cool.

THE GOOD: There is no cord connecting the remote to the game console.  This allows for a wider array of movement.

THE BAD:  Since there’s no cord, I found it very difficult to find something to gag on.  Total buzzkill.