THIS QWERTY KEYBOARD SHOULD BE 20-30% QWERTIER

Eh, I've seen qwertier...
Before we get into this review, it’s worth taking a moment to explore the history of the QWERTY style keyboard.  A brief timeline should help put this groundbreaking invention into the proper context.

History of the QWERTY Keyboard:
1962 – Archibauld Qwerty is born.
1974 – Typing becomes the USA’s #1 pastime.
1986 – ABC airs “America’s Qwertiest Home Videos.”
1992 – WWII ends.
2001 – Pat Sajak qwerts himself on live television.
2009 – WWII begins again.
2011 – Rinse and repeat.

Many consumers make claims like, “Archibauld Qwerty is a hero,” or “He should be honored,” or “You don’t understand U.S. history,” or "Stop peeing on that couch," or "Don't eat those staples,"  or "Are these your dingleberries?" or "Don't click here."

Nevertheless, Archie Qwerty certainly knew the importance of marketing yourself.  If you don't think it's important, we suggest you go talk to Arnold Asdf.

iPEE ON iPADS BECAUSE iHATE THEM

How in the hell do you flush this thing?...
From Archer, special guest contributor.

First of all, if you own an iPad, iSuggest you put on some iSotoner gloves, grab an iCicle, and iMpale your genitals iMmediately. Secondly, you may think twice about purchasing one after reading this staggering statistic.

FACT: 89% of iPads are 55% more likely to cause a 35% increase in up to 24% of all percentages.

Now, we don’t know about you, but that statistic scares the pee out of us. Come to think of it, all statistics scare the pee out of us. Actually, just saying the word “statistics” makes us pee a little.
In conclusion, if you didn’t find this review helpful, you’re obviously an iDiot (or an iAsshole).

USING A DVR TO SAVE YOUR FAVORITE HAIRBALLS

I'm sorry, you wanted to watch Dexter? Go lick yourself...
From guest reviewer, Frankie the Cat.

Sure, it can be nice to throw up hairballs on expensive things like the couch, stereo, Bow-flex machine, hemorrhoid doughnut, argyle socks or autographed 8x10 Hall and Oates photo.  Unfortunately, they’re always gone the next day. Instead, try using a DVR to save and organize all of your favorite hairballs. 

Follow these simple steps:
Step #1 – Lick yourself for 2-3 business days.
Step #2 – Vomit hairball onto the DVR.
Step #3 – Blame the TV.
Step #4 – Run up and down the stairs at 4 am.

 It’s a pretty simple solution. And as Daryl Hall once sang, “Private eyes are watching you spew hairballs onto expensive furniture” (or something like that). Now you’ll have more time for all of those important things in life, like staring at the closet door all day or eating an entire roll of dental floss.

PROPER USE OF A LAPTOP CASE

Don't make me pee in this thing.
Plenty of douchebags wearing sport coats or mock turtlenecks have explained the importance of laptops. Unfortunately, it’s up to us at Cat Reports to make sure your laptop case is being used properly. Misconceptions lead to misuse, which leads to mistakes and misfortune, which is very mispleasant (It’s a word. Look it up here).

If you’re the type of person who thinks your laptop case should only hold your laptop, here’s our advice to you: First, open your laptop. Second, slam your genitals in the laptop over and over until you pass out. Third, never talk to us again.

Here are some other good uses for a laptop case (besides storing your laptop):
1.) Emergency litter box
2.) Nonemergency litter box
3.) Mild emergency litter box
4.) Get-away car


IF IT'S CALLED A REMOTE CONTROL, WHY CAN'T IT CONTROL MY VOMITING?

Sorry remote... You were asking for it.
One thing I hate most about electronics is their lack of ability to control my vomiting.  This stupid remote is no exception.

First of all, I definitely hit pause while vomiting, yet I continued to throw up half-digested Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive.  Secondly, we could debate all day whether or not eating Fancy Feast, some windowsill bugs, and a cocktail olive made me throw up in the first place.  Fortunately, that’s not up for debate right now.

Here are some other great electronics to throw up on:
#1.) Any.
#2.) See #1.

If you want to go above and beyond, try eating a product and throwing it up on to another.  Like yesterday, when I swallowed a flash drive and then threw it up onto a laptop.  I refer to it as a “file transfer.” 

If the rewind button on this stupid remote worked, I’d relive that moment every day.

SETTING UP A PRINTER AND A CARDBOARD SPACESHIP

Boarding the space craft.
After buying a printer, most people usually have one question: How soon until I can fly the spaceship it came in? The good news for you is immediately.  The bad news for you is that we hate you.


HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR SETTING UP A PRINTER:
Step #1 – Plug in the printer.
Step #2 – Put paper in tray.
Step #3 – Slam face into printer repeatedly.
Step #4 – Repeat Step #3.
Step #5 – Throw away printer and climb aboard the cardboard spaceship.

Congratulations! You’ve set up your printer, and you’re a complete asshole!  Enjoy “printing” your stupid “documents.”  If you need us, we’ll be in our spaceship getting ready to make the jump to light speed.  And in order to navigate our way back, we sprinkled a path of dingleberries across the couch to leave a trail.  It’s literally science. 

REFRIGERATOR FACTS AND UNFACTS

So you're looking to pick out a refrigerator...?  A lot of these refrigerator companies will try to confuse you with hip refrigerator lingo like "energy efficient" or "adjustable temperature" or "doors."  Don't let the confusion overwhelm you.  Here are some facts and unfacts to help clarify the mysteries of the fridge.

FACT - If left unchecked, a refrigerator will eat its own weight in groceries every day.  
Do not let this happen.  If necessary, throw whatever refrigerator contents you can onto the floor at any instant.  It's the only to way to keep it at bay.

UNFACT - Scaling a refrigerator is a simple task.
Ever since misconceptions were invented in 1982, this has definitely been the biggest of them.  Any expedition to the top of a refrigerator takes planning, navigating, and research.  If you're planning to purchase a taller refrigerator model, we recommend also buying a compass, rope, extra air tanks, and a Nepalese Sherpa.

FACT - The name "refrigerator" comes from the Latin word "refrigeratto."
As we all know, "refrigeratto" is the Latin word which means "evil bastard full of food."  There's really no explanation needed for this fact.  If you don't believe us, we hope you get eaten by a refrigeratto. 

THIS DRYER IS JUST LIKE A WASHER, ONLY DRIER

How much drier can you get?  None dryer.
Now, it’s basic common knowledge that any appliance becomes 45% to 55% more likely to murder you when you add water to it.  Such examples include small spray bottles, kitchen sinks, large spray bottles, knives that are made out of water, and medium-sized spray bottles. 

However, when you remove the water from a water-filled appliance, it actually becomes 80% less likely to murder you.  I don’t know about you, but those numbers are pretty overwhelming to me. Actually, every number is overwhelming to me.  In fact, even the idea of numbers is overwhelming to me (except 7 for some reason).

So one basic truth exists:  If an appliance is drier, it’s better.  Now ask yourself this: What’s the driest appliance around? Answer: A dryer.  You literally can’t get drier than a dryer.  Unless you have 2 dryers.   OK, now I’m freaked out. 

OVERALL RATING:
7.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY ARCH-ENEMY... 2-DIMENSIONAL BIRD


 Special thanks to Joseph the Cat. (See more at OrangeCats)

It seems like every time I'm ready to provide an insightful overview of different televisions, I'm confronted once again by my most ruthless and cunning arch-nemesis: Stupid 2-dimensional birds.

Slightly flatter than other birds I see outside the window, these 2-D birds seem to shine brighter, feel smoother, and piss me off even more.  I've never actually caught one, since they seem to be harder to catch than their analog counterparts.  In fact, I took a swipe at one a few weeks ago, and not only was it unfazed, it immediately turned into the giant face of Pat Sajak asking me if I wanted to "buy a vowel."  Now that's a hell of a defense mechanism.

The bottom line here: If you're looking to buy a TV, do your research.  And if you see one those 2-dimensional bastards anywhere, shout the secret code.  The code will be, "Murder those birds."


PLASMA - Slightly more expensive, better picture.

LCD - More affordable, picture quality varies by brand.

2-DIMENSIONAL BIRDS - Total assholes.

I DON'T KNOW... THIS ELECTRIC PIANO DOESN'T QUITE ROCK MY BALLS OFF


I'm like Billy Joel (minus the DUI).

Before I get into this review, I think it's worth mentioning that no electric piano exists that could truly rock my balls off.  The only thing to ever rock my balls off was a veterinarian named Dr. Jablonski about six years ago.  Also, it wasn't so much "rock off" as it was "surgically remove."  Either way, I've had a hell of a time trying to spray the furniture since then.
 
The weighted and touch-sensitive keys on this particular model made for a nice playing experience.  After warming up with "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates, I began by composing my first hit song, "I'll Lick Myself Wherever I Damn Well Please."  I followed it up with my touching love ballad, "Ode to the Crinkly Thing I Ate Off the Windowsill."  Stay tuned for my upcoming single, "The Dog Next Door Looks Remarkably Like Abe Vigoda."



OVERALL:  I would definitely recommend this electric piano to anybody who is not too concerned about the condition of their balls in regard to them being rocked off.  Also, Dr. Jablonski can burn in Hell for all I care.




BUYING GUIDE: CLOCK BLOCKING

You can have some basil when I'm done in here.
Hey folks, it's your old pal Jackson here with another helpful buying guide.  We all have trouble waking up in the morning, especially when we've spent the entire night running back and forth through the house for no apparent reason.  Finding the right alarm clock can take the stress out of having to wake up before 5pm.
First and foremost, I would recommend keeping the alarm clock next to your bed.  Also, I would recommend sleeping in a flower pot, since it gives you serious street-cred among the dead bugs on the windowsill.


Here are some things to consider when purchasing an alarm clock:

SNOOZE TIMER?  Since we're inevitably going to be hitting the snooze button a few times, it's important to determine the amount of time that will elapse in between the alarms.  I recommend anywhere between 7 to 10 business days.


SOUND MODES?  Rather than using the traditional buzzing sound, many alarm clock offer the option of playing music instead.  Waking up to Hall and Oates always invigorates me for another day of secretly throwing up behind furniture.


MAYBE DON'T PLUG IT IN?  Leaving your alarm clock unplugged allows for a fuller and deeper 22-hour sleep.


WEBER, YOU OL’ BASTARD, YOU MAKE ONE HELL OF A BED

Getting ready to fire up the bed...
It’s few and far between that we really get a chance to praise something, but (once again) Weber has broken new ground in the field of outdoor heated beds.   The best part about this thing: it smells just like food (or something food-flavored).

Now the first question that probably springs to consumers’ minds is this:  “Who got skid marks all over the couch?”  That was me.  I’ll take the heat for that one. 

The second question that comes to consumers’ minds is this:  “Do I use charcoal or gas?”  We posed that query to our staff here at Cat Reports, and we came to a stunning conclusion regarding gas or charcoal.  We found out that eating charcoal gives us gas, so who really knows what the hell is going on?

THE GOOD:  Smells like hot food.

THE BAD:  Tastes like a murdering robot.

A 3-HOLE PUNCH? DO I LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE?

Get this thing out of my sight...
I have very little use for certain things in this world, like scratching posts, Quicken software, a melon baller, and dew claws.  I suppose we can now add 3-hole punches to that list.

The Cat Reports staff attempted to come up with some practical uses for this stupid thing, and after an hour of brainstorming we were able to come up with two.  Unfortunately, we forgot what they both were.

Afterward, we tried to get rid of this evil 3-hole punch by storing it away in a dark closet.  Unfortunately, our night vision is so good that we kept seeing it every time we went in there.


THE GOOD: None that we can remember.

THE BAD: It exists.

OVERALL RATING: If you own a 3-hole punch, please use it to 3-hole punch yourself in the genitals.

THIS REMOTE CONTROL MAKES A TERRIBLE CHAIR

I’ve been sitting on this stupid remote control for over two hours, and it hasn’t reclined or hatched.  Some other staff members here have argued that I “don’t understand the use of a remote control,” whatever that means.

I hate to leave overly negative reviews, but on top of being a crappy chair, this remote also tastes nothing like ham.  Those are two of my least favorite things, as the following list illustrates:

THINGS I HATE:
A.) – Things that are crappy chairs.
B.) – Things that don’t taste like ham.
3.) – Improperly numbered lists.


OVERALL ADVICE:  Save your money and sit on a ham instead.

THIS CUISINART BLENDER TRIED TO MURDER ME

I killed it in self defense
I must start by saying that I’ve prided myself on providing unbiased, objective coverage of all sorts of appliances.  I certainly don’t want to be the one to start slinging mud.  But this has to be said:  Cuisinart’s food processor/blender combo with 7-speed, touch pad controls just tried to murder me.  I was forced to end its life whilst defending myself.  Better send in a body bag.  And make it an extra small.

It all happened so fast that it’s nearly impossible for anybody to ever know what really took place.  Although it was clearly the fault of the food processor, I wish its family no ill will.  I hope they all go on to lead long lives of processing assorted foods in the future. 

I’d usually list product features at this point, but the only feature of this product is malicious enthusiasm for pure, icy murder.

THE GOOD:  7-speed blending, dishwasher safe, sleek chrome design.

THE BAD:  Not cunning enough to kill me.  Try harder next time, Cuisinart.

OVERALL RATING:  Dead (for now).

RUBBERMAID STORAGE CONTAINERS

Managing data on your computer can be difficult and confusing.  But you know what shouldn’t be confusing?  Managing your cables, cords and computer accessories.  And you know what else shouldn’t be confusing?  Faucets.  But they are.  And by God does it piss us off… 

Anyway, when it comes to managing computer accessories, Rubbermaid offers a variety of bins in assorted shapes and sizes.  They’re available in blexigon, flectangle, grapazoid, or many other shapes that we made up.

Truth be told, keeping your possessions in a Rubbbermaid container is way better than keeping them in a dirty litter box.  Actually, it isn’t at all.  Actually, we totally take that back.  And we’d erase that, but we can’t find the delete key.

THE GOOD:  Variety of sizes, lockable lids. 

THE BAD:  It's no litter box.

OVERALL RATING:
  = or > a squirrel we once saw.

KITCHENAID ELECTRIC STAND MIXERS

Moments before all hell broke loose...
Initially, I was a little reluctant to try out any mixer, let alone KitchenAid’s classic staple.  But as soon as it turned on and the metal parts started spinning around, I felt only one thing:  Pure panic.

I don’t know what KitchenAid uses to power their products, but evidently it’s terror.  These mixers come with ten separate adjustable stirring speeds, including “Horrifying,” “Traumatic,” and “I’ll Be Under the Couch.” 

I suppose this machine is only rivaled by the vacuum cleaner, which is still a great source of stress for the whole staff here.  Basically, if you don’t mind the sound of a thousand banshees screaming into your soul at once, totally buy a KitchenAid mixer.  If you fear and respect deafening evil robots, then we suggest you do your mixing manually.
   
THE GOOD:
  10-speed mixing, variety of colors, numerous attachments.

THE BAD:  We’re pretty sure this thing is out to kill us.  Everybody stay sharp.

BUYING GUIDE: DESK CHAIRS

Uncomfortable Chair = Low Productivity
By Jackson (Cat Reports staff member and resident buying guide correspondent)

Let’s face it: We all spend a lot of time at the computer.  Whether I’m shopping online, browsing the news, or knocking a pencil off the desk because I’m pretty sure it might’ve moved, I realize the importance of proper seating choice.

Here are some tips for selecting the proper desk chair:

WHAT MATERIAL?  Do you want leather, fabric, hard plastic, vinyl…etc?  It's probably worth buying something a little more expensive like leather or microfiber.  Expensive materials are way more rewarding once you've destroyed them. 

HOW ADJUSTABLE?  Does it swivel?  Are there casters for rolling?  Does it make that terrifying noise of air being released when it lowers down?  I’m not going to lie to you: that noise scares the hell out of me.

WHAT'S A PRICE? 
I cannot stress this point enough:  I don't really know what "price" means.   Since I have no use for it, the concept of money literally means nothing to me.   So I’m just guessing that price is important.


**Jackson Russell is the Cat Reports Buying Guide correspondent.  His hobbies are standing in front of the bathroom door and sitting in front of the bathroom door.  Also, he once saw a centipede.