MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM CAT REPORTS

The staff at Cat Reports would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas. During these hectic times, it's important to stop and reflect on the important things the holidays have to offer.

Ingredients for a perfect holiday:

Eat plenty of wrapping paper this Christmas. 

- Sleep
- Throw up
- Eat
- Family
- Eat your family
- Pee on the furniture
- Eat some more
- Sleep a bit more
- Poop on a couch
- Eat other things
- Pee on something else
- Watch Richard Dreyfuss films

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS "RUNNING WATER"

Hang on... My mind is currently being blown.

Despite the recent advances in technology (i.e. the internet, cell phones, Bluetooth, Saran Wrap… etc.), there are still things that boggle our minds. The most confusing of these things (with the exception of that floating red dot we sometimes see on the wall) is the metal spout with a seemingly endless supply of water.

To determine how much water it could possibly hold, we broke it down into a few simple facts.

Fact: 70% of the earth is covered in water.
Fact: Over 90% of the earth’s water is in the oceans.
Fact: About 1.7% of it is in the ice caps.
Fact: Wheel of Fortune has been on the air since 1975.
Therefore: The earth has hundreds of gallons of water.

Literally hundreds.

CHOOSING AN LED, CFL OR INCANDESCENT PILLOW

Many consumers get easily confused about the differences between various light bulb types. We’re no strangers to confusion. In fact, we’ve been lost in a paper bag for the last four hours.

When it comes to light bulbs, some people will tell you that “LED bulbs use less electricity” or “CFL bulbs cost the same” or “light bulbs aren’t supposed to be eaten.” Regardless, when you’re deciding to sleep on a light bulb, here are some very helpful tips for determining the type of bulb to use.  

Incandescent: Uses more electricity. Becoming obsolete. Gets warm. Will inevitably make you dream about Cap’n Crunch.

LED: Uses less electricity. Becoming more popular. Will most likely make you dream about Pat Sajak. 

CFL: Comes from the Latin phrase, Carpe Flatulencia Lighticus. It will undoubtedly cause night farting.

Special thanks to guest contributor, Oryx.

WHATEVER IT LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING, I'M DEFINITELY NOT

I'm doing things, but those things are unrelated to the things it looks like I'm doing.

So, I don’t know what you think you saw me doing with this laptop, but it wasn’t that. It might’ve looked like I was doing something, but the thing I was doing wasn’t anything at all like the thing you thought I was doing. There were things I was doing, but they’re definitely not the things that you thought you saw me doing. Those things and my things are totally different.

Look, so there’s no more confusion going forward from here on out, this list should help clarify specific things that I definitely wasn’t doing…

List of things I definitely wasn’t doing:

• Whatever it looked like.
• Something else it might’ve looked like.
• Anything you might’ve seen.
• Whatever you think you saw.
• Porning out.

The bottom line here: Things were done. They just weren’t/aren’t the things you think you might’ve seen me doing, nor are they anything similar to those things that you think you saw.

Special thanks to guest contributor Simon.